Thursday, January 04, 2007

“Open letter”** to President Bush.

**Please refer to this story in order to fully appreciate the delicious irony of the title. Or not. It really isn’t all that ironic or funny, now that I think about it.

Mr. President: Or may I refer to you by a vaguely humorous sounding yet insulting and demeaning nickname, as you do with so many of your subordinates and peers?

Mr. Suppository Hemorrhoid Treatment: I am writing to you on this occasion to express to you my humble and utmost congratulations on your recent signing statement that asserts that you have the right to open any first class mail and read it, from any American citizen to any other American citizen, without a warrant, just because you say that you feel the need to spy on anyone you like.

I say to you, sir, Bravo and Brava! Or whatever hell Latin sounding phrase sounds grandiose but not too pompous, you know the thing I mean. This one master stroke is guaranteed to send chills of fear down any wannabe terrorist hidden away in our heartland! Of course, it’s too bad that you decided to not actually TELL anyone about this, since as Dr. Strangelove so succulently stated, “Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*!” And, of course, not telling anyone sort of makes you look like a voyeur or something. I know that my personal copy of Hustler better not be late because someone in the State Dept. had nothing to do. Or maybe, you see this as a way to help finance your little half-trillion dollar skirmish (i.e., The Battle Of Our Century Of Good Against Evil) over in Iraq, you are sort of foraging for un-endorsed checks that the Dept. of the Treasury could cash on the sly. Aunt Rose will never miss that subscription to TV Guide anyway.

But all that is irrelevant! Your unilateral decision to open other people’s mail cements, for all time, your rightful position as The Decider! You, alone, can decide to set aside the law that you JUST signed that says just the opposite of your decision! It is worthy of a Calvin and Hobbes Opposite Day.

Come to think of it, I believe that your entire approach to foreign policy and GWOT is a direct manifestation of Calvinball. But again I digress.

My point is..... What is my point? I forgot my point. Oh, yes. I love it that you have shown such decisiveness and authoritarianism in the face of so little compelling evidence that this will actually accomplish anything! Why, you could be wasting millions of dollars protecting our ports where literally thousands of containers come from God-knows-where every single day. Your boldness shall not be contained by such niggling concepts as “results” or “pressing need”. No, your visionary approach to mail delivery and presidential authority is truly the only thing between our beloved country and ruin. Or ruination. I am not sure which that should be.

You, sir, are truly “The Decider”.

Hail, Freedonia!

No comments: