Friday, March 27, 2009

How about that? An e-mail delivery service for those people who have been Raptured away.

Certainly, when Jesus swoops down to carry the deserving off to Heaven (which will no doubt happen any day now), people are not going to have time to stop and do mundane stuff like make sure the stove is turned off or maybe e-mail your friends and relatives, telling them just why they aren’t going to be seeing you around much anymore.

From OnePissedOffVet:

Ya gotta hand it to those Fundo-Xian folks. They're nothing if not thoughtful -- downright thoughty, as my old Granny used to say. They even have a website where the faithful can have a post-Rapture email sent to their friends and family who are "left behind".

Here's the URL: -- I didn't make it a clickable link because I don't want to drive up their Google stats. In it you will see the following:

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world. The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

Etc etc etc blah blah blah

They promise to send out this letter on the first Friday following the Rapture, and every Friday thereafter until...well, I guess until Hell freezes over. Or whatever. And, of course, "free will donations" to the cause are gladly accepted (checks, cash, major credit card or PayPal).


I guess either these people have a very dependable automated e-mailing system, or else the people who are selling this fine service aren’t going to be included in Group Ascending but figure that a little pocket change after the Apocalypse isn’t such a bad thing.

I am just amazed at the absolute arrogance and smug certainty that it takes to actually subscribe to this service. Buyers of this are absolutely certain that THEY will be among the chosen and those they are sending e-mails to won’t be. Otherwise, it might be a bit awkward up in Heaven. “Oh, hi, Aunt Harriet! Uh, what are YOU doing here? No, I didn’t mean that. Uh, no. I didn’t send you an e-mail… Say, you haven’t seen Bill Whittaker, have you? I owed him $20 back on Earth.”

And there is also the “gloat” factor involved in all of this. Yes, the sender of this e-mail went to Heaven. You didn’t. Nenernenernener…

I have a bit of an upset stomach right about now.

UPDATE: I actually thought of something that would be even MORE embarrassing. How about the case where you sent out all these e-mails to everyone you cared about (and probably also the ones you didn't like very much, just for the "gloat" factor I alluded to above), and then YOU DIDN'T GET CHOSEN! YOU WEREN'T RAPTURED AWAY! Now, that would be awkward. "Geez, Bill. What's with that e-mail? It said Jesus came down and took you to Heaven last week. Whatcha still doing here? Oh. Yeah, I see... Naw, that's perfectly understandable. I don't always pay my bills on time either."

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